Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
