I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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