I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
