I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
