dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
