how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
