i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
