GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize