And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
