oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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