i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize