I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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