Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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