I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
