You can't motorboat a personality
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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