I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
