If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
