dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
