I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
