I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
