Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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