i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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