No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
