Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
youre lurking in front of me
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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