so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
