just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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