Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
