did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize