When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
