I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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