How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
