I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
