i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize