Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
