apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
