When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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