There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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