So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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