I understand Curling. That high.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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