it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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