So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
