I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
