Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
