so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize