Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
