I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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