I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
