Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
