i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
