a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
