make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
we made out on top of his cat.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
