if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
