I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
