I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
