I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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