and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
