Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Come share oat with me in your robe
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
