i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
