The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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