please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
