I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
