Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
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