There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
