You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
