I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
